Monday, 1 December 2008

Confusing the Improbable for the Impossible

Everyday life seems to be just that. One foot in front of the other. Believe. Believe that that is important. To just go on. That it is critical, to eat healthy, to not have the water tap on while brushing, to fill that bucket for your bath, to brush, to exercise, to wear cotton clothes, to eat fiber. To go our separate ways every morning, rushing through the routine. Believe that, at the end of the day, when we sit down and take stock and feel good about the day and look forward to the next, believe that it is these details that matter.

It is of course highly improbable that there are more terrorists among us. More young people with guns and grenades and whatever else ammunition. That they have a highly organised plan in place for the next round of this. That they have already established local links, developed spreadsheets of data on the target location and populace. Of course, it is not impossible. And that, unfortunately is the 'big picture' now. The opposite of the details.

It used to be the questions. What am I here on this earth for? What is my role as a mother, a producer of life, about? Is my life a happy one? In a spreading outward and inward sense, is it a good life? Am I compromising my morals, my ideals, my core beliefs? Are my relationships in order? Not very big questions, probably not questions a spiritual guru or acclaimed philosopher would spend any time on. But I am neither of those. Just an average person who wants to be good and happy, thinking about her very average life and compulsions.

I was in a reality show of a movie of sorts on a large ship, in my dream. I saw with my own eyes overly familiar buildings come crashing down, our neighborhood. I saw the grand canyon shift under me and change. That made really very limited sense, my dreams are usually very easy to understand, I have a simple mind I guess. Have not been to the G.C. in ages now, and when I did go it was not as if I fell in love with it or anything. Water levels were rising and rising some more. I woke up. Put both my hands out. For once glad of the sandwich of long limbs I sleep in.

Last night, I had a pile of clothes to iron. My homies were driving me nuts. One was on my case about paint and cartoons and water and cake. The other was watching a particularly appalling tamizh movie called Chatrapati (Satrapadi apparently). It was loud and involved particularly wanton violence. To get them out of my hair I tried to shoo them out of the house to crossword. They were almost out of the door (uff. finally) when suddenly I yelled at them to stop. What if something happens when they are out? Why separate the family unit when there is a choice? I switched the iron box off and went with them. It was tiring and loud in the store. We did not talk to each other (of course; we were busy with our books). But we were there within touching distance. It mattered.


choxbox said...

my BIL was in oberoi and left an hour before the gun-guys got in. imagine.

a cousin was in oberoi for a meeting, got 4 bullets on his leg and still managed to escape. is fine now.

last night a very young uncle passed away. out of the blue.

in a nutshell, this dying buisness does not make sense at all.

dipali said...

We've all been changed, it seems irrevocably. Never thought Life would become like this. Bah doesn't even begin to express it.

Vanessa said...

I had a dream too. I was in my parent's house. there was a suppossed terrorist outside the door. Equipped with ammunition. He was trying to pick the lock. I was behind the door, standing quietly and sweating. Just then, some sound woke me up and i checked my forehead for sweat. there was none.

I never get nightmares. But these dream show how insecure we suddenly feel. Isn't it?

kbpm said...

get the sense that its closing in..

yeah we have changed of course, i am surprised at myself.

hang in there, dont feel insecure, feel strong.

PG said...

yes, we need to be strong and fearless. and look who is saying that - i must have woken up a few times in the night this past week looking at the darkness and thinking i am hiding from someone and i need to be quiet. i see this small light in front of me and i look intently as if someone will pull the trigger. all in a few seconds before I realize I am at home on my own bed and the light is the LEd on the heater and I woke up because I needed to go tot the bathroom! Crazy!
We must have all changed a lot over the years as we see, hear and experience more of the stark realities of life. Sometimes when I am being brave and non-emotional (because there is no other choice and because I dont want to live in fear and be emotionally drained) I wonder if I am becoming heartless and insensitive? We all grow up dont we? 15/20 years back I couldn't have imagined myself going about life like I do now, back then I would have wallowed in pity and disillusionment and cynicsm and tears for days together - now, I hope and I believe there is a solution and each one of us is part of the solution. A quote I read in Readers Digest when I was a kid - "Be brave, and mighty forces will come to your aid".