Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Virtues and vices

I am not known for my patience. You can start with the way I constantly shake my legs when I am sitting down. "It feels like being on a train" people who have had the misfortune to sit next to me on a couch have commented. "Its a sign of nervousness" my father used to say (and go on to ask me to calm down and also provide me with handy mental and physical strength side-notes for future reference). My fingers also are always twisting pieces of paper, hand me a paper napkin and I will hand you back a mangled ball of something. Give me anything resembling string and I will braid it. I especially like braiding the funny honeycomb like ends of dupattas and sari pallus (yes, not just mine, but yours as well). And of course I am constantly thinking of a lot of things, most of them useless, of course. "Its exhausting just to hear your talk" people have said, because I am not patient enough to wait to finish Thought # 1 before going on to Thoughts # 2,3,4 and 5; not necessarily connected to each other.

Yes, I am a nervy person.

I am impatient.

I parallel process as if its a disease (it possibly is).

I have at least fifteen windows open at a time on my laptop, and its up to it to figure out how to manage its RAM.

I get pissed off easily. Sometimes I have a flare of a temper (which I am working hard to control, of course), which is like a fuse that goes off in my head. At other times, I have a simmering anger, which is more of a boiling/bubbling of blood in my gut region. I don't like being angry. I don't like feeling all persecuted. I know I should try more active methods to make each day start off (and go on) well, despite the various vicissitudes and so forth (passive methods rarely work for me, obviously). So I,

Listen to some familiar (not necessarily soft and soothing) music.

Close my eyes and think about the monster (for whom I am feeling a love mixed with a lot of pain now; ever since she got glasses).

Close my eyes and think about the husband (who is half the time the reason I lose it so this is not necessarily helpful always).

Read (currently, this delish Gerald Durrell that I am reading is good that way).

Browse (silly things)

Scroll through the photos in my new phone (this is my favourite thing to do of late).

Write angry words so I can let of them after that.

And you know the best feeling? When I let go of my anger and angst. It happens, usually, in a flash. One minute I am seething, the next, its like a board wiped clean, and my brain smiles. And I think in my head "You know what? I was pissed off (at you). But now I am not. I have let it go. I am happy again. I think it was silly, my anger" I love that feeling. It feels like a big achievement. Like an orgasmic mood change it is.

Let me go smoke a cigarette now. :-)


ChoxBox said...

Going to Tarams then? :)

And which Durrell it is? And hey hugs re glasses for the child - but its not so bad really (I know you didn't ask for my opinion but still).

Btw have you heard of this book called Millions by Frank Boyce? Child read it last night. Then I did as she reco-ed it big time. Hard-hitting, gritty type. You might like it. But anyway am all groggy now thanks to the late night and have a train to catch. No packing done yet :( Plus 1 million things to finish plus a meeting.
Okay hope that makes you feel better (in some convoluted way).

kbpm said...

Tarams! No, I went to Campus Cafe with the deshvaasi.

Thanks Chox, I will try not to worry about it.

I am sure you will do all that stuff efficiently and without getting your clothes crinkled!!

dipali said...

Loved this post- you are brilliant at scrutinising yourself!

Serious Lounger said...

glasses, as in spectacles - mein gott - since when? hmm, well, atleast with eyesight, it is earlier the better.. otherwise, sodas like mine are possible.

Obaitori Spiritual Mothering said...

You are great! I Love reading your blog. Your honesty is invaluable. Thanks SO much for the inspiration. Katie.