Monday, 16 November 2009

Weird0Rama

I think I am pretty well-versed in dealing with death. For one, I have often claimed that my own ultimate demise is not a matter of fear for me. I mean, we are mortal, all of us, every single one of us, so what is the big deal. I am confident of having taken some from and given some to bountiful Mother Earth. Disbelieving in the after-life and so on, to me, death is the ultimate closure on everything - the good and the bad. While I cannot claim to expecting nothing, I feel like I am getting to that place, where I expect less and less from others, from myself, and from this life in general.

On the other hand, I flip that coin, and I find myself preaching (mostly internally, of course) about potential, and not disappearing in middling mediocrity, and performance, and passion and so forth. Which is of course, somewhat inconsistent a philosophy, as philosophies go, when coupled with the lack of expectations aspect.

I find in the recesses of my brain, these two statements, on refrain-
* Life is short, hold it by the horns and live it to the fullest
& Life is long, let it go, don't stress about it.
On the surface, this is inconsistent as well. Most times, I know what I am thinking when I am thinking either of these thoughts. At the same time, I know that each of these thoughts separately is meaningless and merely a rationalisation for something that has occurred and needs to be sorted out, mentally.

Ultimately, when I ponder death is when I see the meaning and the meaningless of everything - the material things, the feelings, the emotions, the passion - just everything that constitutes me as a person and my life as a construct.

So in all I would expect that when confronted by death - of a dear friend, of a friend's child, of a relative, of a famous person - I would deal with it well, with equanimity, and dignity, and without self-references aloud but with genuine exploration of thoughts and feelings within myself. I think I get there ultimately, back to my positive persona that you and you see, but still death has me a bit, how to say it, crumpled.

Yes, a crumpled feeling. A quick warmth in the eyes, as I hold back the tears, that show up on cue. A few (or several) hours of dejection. An early morning awakening with a sense of un-reality, a 'Uff Thank Heavens It Was All Just A Dream' feeling, an immediate anger when I remember that it is no dream, a need to SHOUT out, a need to vent, a reluctance to vent to the wrong people, a fear of hurt if someone says the wrong thing (I bet it sounds right to them!), all this and more. In short, I think I am good with it in theory, but when confronted by the actual loss, when I hear of someone's death, when I walk in to a room of puffy faced relatives, when I dig deep and manage to say the usual platitudes, I am not good. My heart beats faster. I lose my words...

8 comments:

ChoxBox said...

hey whatever brought this on, hang in there.

that somehow sounds inappropriate and shallow when i re-read it..

have some news, will text now.

Space Bar said...

ayyo. sympathies...

kbpm said...

girls- its ok. i was not so close to them that i deserve sympathy! its just alarming how it can still affect me.

dipali said...

I think it brings back memories and pain that you thought had been dealt with. But those thoughts remain just below the surface, ready to emerge whenever one feels vulnerable:(
Take care, Kenny. And here's a hug. Or two.

IBH said...

whatever brought this on, hugs, Kenny....death has that effect....

Poppins said...

Death is wierd that way, no matter how much you rationalise it, there is no way to escape the feeling of inadequacy it always brings :(

Take care.

Bannu said...

Hmmmm..... know what you mean. Had a similar experience a year ago. Having a good cry in the pillow is my way of dealing with sadness.

Sue said...

Of course it affects you. You know, given that I wasn't particularly close to the FIL, it's surprising how much I miss him. I never thought it would affect me so deeply.

Your word verification says "exclu" -- rather appropriate.