Friday, 15 June 2012

The Dark Cloud

I am not a moody person. I am irritatingly positive most of the time. Of course I complain about admin and taxes and the condition of the roads and there was a period in my life when I was deeply rooted in a cynicism of some sort, about the state of the world. But I got over it. For the most part, its because I don't care. As long as my routine is not massacred, I am fine, let everything outside go to hell.

But then, there are times when I get really abnormally sad. Dad used to get it too, but then it was related to his being sick, and as he often said, not being able to read because the words swum around, made him feel really really horrid. It comes from the pit of my stomach, a feeling of melancholy, he used to say.

I got an ultrasound one time. No, not the pregnancy ultrasound, a general ultrasound. My hair was falling out in clumps and the doc wanted to rule out anything related to things inside. The ultrasound person asked me why I was getting said U/S. To keep things short, I said, I am a super stressed out person so the doc wants to make sure I haven't messed something up because of it.

The U/S person laughed out loud. Yes, one is allowed to say laughed out loud without saying lol. Yes, I am aware that this is the 21st century. The argument she had was this. If you can SAY so casually that you are a stressed out person, you cannot be SO stressed out. Or something. I was pissed off to say the least, though her argument made sense when I thought about it.

Likewise, if you claim to be depressed, you are not so far gone, I guess? I don't know. I am new to this game. I am overly positive generally so I don't function well in this space. Where every few hours I feel like the weight of the world is upon me and I lack the inspiration to do anything, anything at all. I spent about a week sleeping too much and rather arbitrarily. Then a week getting to office and just sort of staring.

Thankfully, a few things happened this week that made me break out of the rut a bit. For one, I had a bunch of meetings with lots of people in it that I couldn't skip out of. I felt fine sitting there discussing. Then I had a severe deadline yesterday. I hid in my bedroom and cranked out the thing for the deadline. I thought I would feel good that I got that out of the way, but I only just felt tired.

Today I attended to another deadline immediately after school drop-off, that didn't feel great either. I walked (slowly. Walking slowly is important to ensure that you don't die from the fierce noon sun. A lesson I learnt very recently) around the campus finishing up more things and skipped out to lunch. Then in the afternoon it came again. That thing that dad used to claim. Same thing.

My head has been hurting pretty constantly for like three days now. I blame sweaty hair for the most part, but I am not sure. Sweaty hair headaches usually go away in a day or two. And this is a dull ache that seems to come from deep within. Like a dark cloud that is expanding inside me. Oh well.... 

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