Friday, 2 November 2007

That is Love

I have generally been a short-tempered person. You will not know this to meet me casually, and generally the brunt of my temper is felt by my husband, my mom, and now occasionally the monster child. We of course do not need to go into cause and effect. I recognise it as my failure, on hind-sight at least.

So this morning, we had a classic tiff. In addition to yesterdays shittiness as a work-day, driver doing a no-show, maid already demanding her Diwali dues, cook making me a really ridiculously minute amount of food for lunch, and the monster child coming up with a stomach ache which may or may not be imagined. As a normal reaction to the events and occurrences of the morning, I should have lost my temper, retreated into silence, cold-shouldered the husband rather pointedly, picked up fight with child, pulled my hair out trying to sort out her crying bout without resorting to spanking, and generally retreated back several steps in my own estimation of myself as a mature, compassionate adult.

But, somehow, the usual 'pop' that goes on in my head just prior to completely losing it had another effect. So here is what happened. The 'pop' was first. I did the retreat to silence thing. But I was not at my usual incoherent in anger state. I could see that. I found myself thinking, he is just tired. What does it matter, really. It will all work out for the best. Its not a big deal. Stuff like that. The child's antics (such as running off some place while I was in my bath, and me, stomping around the floor with my hair in that ridiculous towel-ring-after-bath having to encounter neighbours while searching for it hysterically) did not manage to induce ire either. I calmly (but firmly) brought her back. We ate our cereal. We talked about this and that. I let her wear a simple paavadai to school. I was calm. Not breathing fire. I laughed at the maid; told cook to find me some more food for my lunch dabba (there was last night's leftovers so easily solved problem, that); drove myself, enjoying FM radio. All the while just thinking, I have forgiven him. I am not angry at him. Hope he is not angry at me either.

God! It was so liberating. So much better than my normal state of anger, self-pity, self-righteousness, thinking of all the things I do and how its not reciprocated, pushing memories of all the things he does for me away as not relevant, etc. I hate myself in that state. I love it when I am the big person who forgives, forgets, does not hold grudges, does the right thing no matter what, thinks about all the times others have been great. Today, for a change, I am happy with my own reaction and behaviour. And to top it all, we are on the same page. The husband (who is also prone to angry reactions though not to the same magnitude as me) seems to be in a fairly calm state, as his email explanation for behaviour tells me! Oh maybe I am just finally growing up.


AirSpy said...

Ever since I read Graham Greene stating that "Hate is a failure of imagination", the thought has stayed with me at all instances when I vehemently think "I HATE THIS" in whatever It helps me build a cause to look for the sliver lining. But hell, there are some times, when I dont want to be rational, and dont mind (briefly) wallowing in self pity and screaming around a bit.

Good to know that you think you are finally growing up!

kbpm said...

airspy- funny girl. of course i am growing up. sideways at least..

yes, briefly wallowing is good. see i am so used to waking up in the mornings and thinking Oh! what an awesome day and so many things to look forward to. on the days (or weeks) when this feeling is not there (usually because i am fighting some stupid fight) i feel very awful, at the back of that feeling is one of failure. my own failure to deal positively with whatever it is.

But thanks, thats a good one, I will keep that Hate quote in mind for future!!

choxbox said...

you are getting wiser, i *think*.